


don't get too close, it's dark inside

by viccristak



Series: children born tomorrow may never know the language we speak [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Original Character Death(s), templar negative (kinda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 15:30:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10993761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viccristak/pseuds/viccristak
Summary: Shae's visit to the Fade at the Adamant fortress brings up memories she would rather forget.





	don't get too close, it's dark inside

**Author's Note:**

> italics are flashbacks.

Shae wakes up with a start, ragged breaths leaving her mouth. Her heart feels like it's going to leap ouf her chest, and it takes her a moment to remember she's in Skyhold, in her quarters, _safe_. She runs a hand through her hair, sticky with sweat, and wills herself to calm down. She closes her eyes and takes one, two, three deep breaths until she feels her heartbeat return to its normal rate.

She's been having nightmares every night since they returned from the Fade, and she can't get the image of her parents screaming out of her head. She's been distant because of it, too, and hasn't really talked to anyone about it. Not to Dorian, not to Josephine. She knows she should, that bottling things up will only make matters worse but she feels so stupid for being haunted by ghosts that should be long forgotten.

It has been a week and she knows she should be leaving Skyhold again soon. But she feels numb, old wounds coming back to her with more force than she ever thought possible. She sighs, frustrated with herself, and gets up from the bed to walk to the balcony. It's cold; the sun is just beginning to rise from behind the mountains, its heat not yet reaching the fortress.

She decides that she will leave for the Exalted Plains tomorrow. Maybe being outside of Skyhold for a while will help her forget (she knows it won't).

She prepares herself to face the world and walks to the kitchen to have some food. On her way, she passes by the door of Josephine's office and she debates whether to knock or not. It's early, but she knows Josephine is already sat at her desk, not wanting to waste any time. She should go in, try to spend as much as time as she can with her lover, explain herself to the ambassador. Their relationship is still new; they only kissed a little over a month ago but Josephine's been nothing but amazing and Shae doesn't know what she's afraid of. She still continues her walk without going in, though.

When she arrives at the main hall's table after having gotten some food from the kitchen, she's surprised to find Sera and Dorian chatting animatedly, eating their breakfast. They never wake up before her.

"Hey Inky," Sera says when she hears her, not looking up from her food.

"Good morning," says Dorian; he does look at her though. He's smiling, but she knows he's worried. She can't hide anything from him.

"Hello," she responds, joining them. "Why are you guys up so early?"

"Iron Bull and Cassandra are _already_ training," answers Sera, huffing. "I could hear their swords from my bed. Woke me up, couldn't go back to sleep. Found Dorian already here."

Shae narrows her eyes at Dorian suspiciously. "Is that so?" she asks.

Dorian clears his throat. "I decided to enjoy the morning life for once, friend," he explains. "There's not much more to it, really."

The elf looks at him, unconvinced. She knows Dorian. When they're in Skyhold, he tends to sleep in until at least noon. He's hiding something from her, she just doesn't know what. The tevinter starts to get nervous under her stare.

"What you doing that for?" asks Sera, and Shae turns to look at her. She's frowning. "Don't stare like that, it's weird."

"And impolite," adds Dorian, raising his eyebrows at Shae. The Inquisitor rolls her eyes.

They eat the rest of their breakfast silence. 

"Well," says Shae, standing up. "I'm going to join Bull and Cass, actually."

She hadn't planned on it, but she supposes training is as good of as distraction as any.

"Since when do you know how to use a sword?" asks Sera around a mouthful of food.

"I don't need any sword to fight them," says Shae, confidently. She's smirking, and Dorian sees a shadow of the friend he knows before she slips back into the stoic, distant facade she's worn since the Fade. "Anyways, see you later."

They bid her goodbye, and Shae can feel Dorian's concerned eyes following her.

\---

"Nice one, Boss," says Bull from the ground, taking the hand Shae's offering him.

"Again," the elf says, once he's back on his feet.

He shakes his head. "We've been at it for hours. I'm hungry," he says. Shae glares at him. "Someone's in a mood," he adds at her look. " You should rest, too."

He pats her on the back on his way to the tavern and she only grunts in response. She looks to Cassandra, who was observing them perched on the wall. Shae raises her eyebrows in a silent question. The Seeker sighs and takes out her practice sword. "

Fine," she says, taking position in front of Shae. "But after this, a break."

Shae agrees begrudgingly. She grips her staff tighter and can already feel the magic bursting from her veins onto her fingertips.

"Take your shield," Shae says before Cassandra can attack. The Seeker looks at her questioningly, but the Inquisitor just nods. After a moment of hesitation, Cassandra takes her shield from the ground and readies herself once more.

Cassandra immediately lunges at her with her sword but Shae is expecting it and she blocks the attack with her staff. Open palm towards the warrior, she sends a wave of heat that has her falling backwards. Cassandra stays on her feet, though, resisting the blast with her shield. Quickly, she lunges again, sword raised in the air. Shae has a defense spell prepared on the tip of her fingers, but in the seconds it takes Cassandra's sword to reach her, a vivid image of her mother being stabbed in the stomach, screaming at her to run, makes her way onto her mind. Shae loses her balance, astonished, and Cassandra's sword makes painful contact with her shoulder. She stumbles back but manages not to fall to the ground, laying her weight on her staff.

"Fuck," Shae curses, breathing heavily.

"Are you alright?" Cassandra asks, noticing the Inquisitor is distracted. She's not daft; she has noticed Shae's odd behavior since they got back from the Fade. Cassandra leaves her weapons on the ground and approaches her. She puts a hand on her shoulder, but Shae flinches away. The warrior frowns, concern written all over her face. "Take a break, my friend," she suggests.

"I... yes," Shae agrees. She runs a hand through her hair, looking everywhere but at Cassandra.

"Shae, maybe you should-"

"I'm fine," she interrupts her abruptly. Cassandra looks surprised at her aggressiveness. "Just... I'm fine, okay?" Cassandra nods, albeit hesitantly. Shae sighs. "Also, we're leaving tomorrow. Tell Sera and Dorian," she says as goodbye. She ignores her friend's worried glance.

She turns away from Cassandra only to find Dorian staring at her with his arms crossed over his chest.

"So we're leaving tomorrow?" he says, walking back to the tower alongside her. Shae simply nods in response. Dorian sighs. "Are you going to acknowledge what happened at the Fade or ignore it for the rest of your life?"

"I have no idea what you mean," she answers, face impassive.

"Maker, Shae, seriously? At least talk to Josephine!"

Her resolve breaks a little at the ambassador's name, but she refuses to back down. "My relationship with Josephine is-"

"Oh please," Dorian rolls his eyes, interrupting her. "Don't give me that. She is worried sick, you know? We all are."

Shae stops abruptly at the bottom of the staircase, turning to glare at Dorian. The mage stops, too, returning the glare just as fiercely. "And how do you know she's worried?"

"Congratulations, you found me out," he replies, sarcastically. Shae glares at him, not in the mood for his wits. "I woke up early to catch her alone at her office and talk to her. And you know what? You would know how she's feeling if you, maybe, I don't know, talked to her, too."

Shae purses her lips, hurt. Mostly because she knows it's true. She has been unfairly avoiding Josephine, but she doesn't know how to handle this any other way.

"Listen, Shae," Dorian says, more softly this time. "I'm not saying you have to tell me - or anyone else - what's wrong, but just... don't shut yourself out."

The elf stays silent, still mildy annoyed at her friend.

Dorian lets out a sigh. "Fine. You know where I'll be," and he leaves.

Shae watches him go up the stairs and notices with surprise that Josephine is standing at the top, looking at her with concern. She walks up to her slowly, and when she's finally in front of her, she braces herself for a reprimand. But it never comes. Josephine looks sad instead of angry and Shae doesn't know what's worse.

Shae opens her mouth to say something, anything, but she can't find the words. Josephine smiles sadly and raises a hand, tenderly caresses her cheek. Shae closes her eyes at the contact, feeling a lump form in her throat. She is aware that they are in public, and the nobles gathered in the main hall are probably looking at them, eager for gossip, but Josephine doesn't seem to care. The elf opens her eyes, covers the hand that rests on her cheek with her own. She finally manages to find her voice, even though it comes out shakier than she intended, and asks the ambassador if they can talk somewhere else.

Josephine nods, relieved.

\---

Shae is pacing back and forth in front of her bed, from where Josephine observes her quietly. She doesn't understand why it's so _hard_ ; Josephine knows where she's from. She knows she was originally from an alienage and that she had to flee everything she ever knew at an early age because of her magic. She hasn't told anyone how she lost her parents, but she supposes it's not hard to guess.

"My love," Josephine's soft voice stops her in her tracks. "You don't need to tell me. I only want to be here for you."

The Inquisitor sighs, taking a seat besides her lover. "I know," she says, "but I want to."

Josephine nods in understanding but stays silent. They're not even touching, their bodies a few inches apart. The ambassador seems tense, afraid of saying the wrong thing and Shae hates it. She hates that she's the reason for Josephine's cautious behavior around her.

"Okay," says Shae, after taking a deep breath. "The demon we fought in the Fade... it made me see things, like everyone else. And it reminded me of a past I wish I could leave behind. It's haunting me, and I don't know how to get rid of it."

She starts to relive the memory in her head again, and her hands shake in her lap. Josephine notices, immediately stepping closer to her, her shoulders brushing now. She takes Shae's trembling hands in her own and gives them a firm squeeze. The elf smiles at her gratefully.

"There's an image that won't leave my head from the night where I left my alienage behind..."

_Shae can't understand why her father had left in a rush, why her mother is grabbing her hand immediately after he's gone, guiding them through the alienage. Her mum talks about Templars and the Circle, but the child's ten year old mind can't grasp the fact that someone could actually try to take her parents away from her (technically, they're taking her away from her parents, but to her it's the same thing)._

_Somehow, they make it to the outskirts of the city and there are trees and a forest waiting to greet them. Her mother knows the streets of Ostwick by heart, and it is clear she has thought about their escape route should the need arise. Shae is still confused, trying to make sense of it all when she feels a strong hand yank her by the hair. Her reflexes kick into action and she tries to get rid of the arm holding her. She's so scared that her body's suddenly sending out small sparks of heat from her hands. The person who grabbed her cries out in pain, the burn in his arm making him let go of the child. Shae stumbles back and manages to catch sight of the Templar Order's distinctive symbol on the man's armou._

_Before she can even do anything, her mother is forcefully pushing her back to the forest, screaming at her to run. She barely has any time to think of how much she does **not** want to leave her mother behind before the Templar has taken out his sword and ruthlessly stabbed her through the stomach. Shae watches in horror as she falls to the ground, the life slowly leaving her body. She stands there in shock, willing her legs to move and run, but her limbs won't budge. _

_The Templar stalks toward her. He seems to not want to take her to the Circle anymore, angry at the child for the burn in his right arm. She is sure she is going to die when an arrow cleanly hits the man in the space between his eyes. Shae's body finally responds to her pleads and she turns around quickly, finding a young woman with strange tattoos on her face, bow in hand. She knows who she is - a Dalish. She's never met any before._

_The woman lowers her bow and slowly lays it on the ground. She approaches Shae slowly, afraid of scaring the child away. But Shae doesn't think there's any fight left in her._

_"You're safe now, da'len," the woman tells her softly. For some reason, Shae believes her._

"I snuck out months later to check if my dad had made it. He hadn't," finishes Shae.

The elf gets up from the bed and starts to pace the room again. Josephine has learned that she tends to do that when she's anxious about something. She wishes she could take the pain away.

"It's so stupid," Shae exclaims suddenly and Josephine is taken aback by the bitterness in her voice. "I moved on. I learned to live with the clan, to consider them family, but some demon comes along 15 years later and I'm that scared little girl again!"

She's getting more agitated by the minute and Josephine notices with a start that the fire in the chimney grows along with Shae's frustration. The elf seems to have noticed, too, and she takes a deep breath, willing herself to come down.

Josephine gets up from the bed, approaching her slowly. "Mi amor, there's no shame in that." Shae breathes in through her nose, still not accustomed to how well Josephine is able to read her. "You experienced something no child should ever experience, and it has shaped you into the person that you are now." The antivan woman takes Shae's face in her hands, softly forcing the elf to look at her. "You are one of the stongest people I have ever met. You 've learned to live with it, but it is okay to grieve still. No amount of years will take away the pain of that dreadful night," she finishes with a tender kiss on Shae's forehead.

Josephine's touch breaks her completely, and her body is suddenly shaking with silent sobs. The ambassador hugs her fiercely, heart breaking at the sight. Shae immediately returns the hug.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" she mumbles into Josephine's neck.

Her lover doesn't hesitate. "Of course."

"Thank you, ma vhenan."

Shae _does_ wake up because of a nightmare in the middle of the night, but this time Josephine's arms are there to hold her, and the image of her mother's death fades further and further away.

**Author's Note:**

> i seem to be very inspired by shae lately. had to get this out of my system. as always, comments and feedback are appreciated. also as always, [this is my tumblr!](http://hawkebela.tumblr.com/)


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